Parenting is wild because once your friends and family start having kids, you quickly realize everyone becomes an expert—on everyone else’s kids.
The amount of “advice” floating around is enough to make you consider moving off-grid with nothing but fruit snacks and bourbon. I’ve heard everything from “we don’t do screen time” to “we only eat organic, locally sourced air” to “we let them make their own rules to empower independence.”
Cool.
Meanwhile, I’m over here bribing my toddler with goldfish to stop licking the dog and trying to remember if my teenager ate something other than rage and sarcasm this week.
The Styles, the Systems, the Sanctimony
Some parents thrive on sticker charts and Pinterest-worthy chore lists. Some hand their kid an iPad and whisper, “Godspeed.” Some make fresh sourdough. I make frozen waffles and questionable decisions.
Everyone thinks their way is best. And they will let you know—with the passive-aggressive intensity of someone who read half a parenting book and now thinks they’re Dr. Phil with WiFi.
I once had a new dad of a 3-month-old tell me I “really should be stricter with screen time” for my 15-year-old.
Sir.
You’re still wiping spit-up and watching Baby Einstein.
I’m managing hormones, heartbreak, and a kid who wants $80 sneakers for “mental clarity.”
No One’s Doing It Perfectly (Except Maybe That One Mom on Instagram, But She’s Lying)
Here’s what I’ve learned: No one really knows what they’re doing.
We’re all cobbling together our own Frankenstein version of parenting—part instinct, part trial and error, part Google at 2 a.m.
You know what matters?
Showing up.
Listening.
Supporting the weird stuff they’re into (even if it’s just watching them narrate Minecraft for 3 hours straight).
Laughing when you can.
Apologizing when you mess up.
Not letting the pressure to be “right” rob you of the joy of raising tiny weirdos into hopefully decent humans.
You’ve Got 18-ish Years to Figure It Out. Kind Of. Not Really.
You get about 18 years (give or take a boomerang move-in at 25) to raise your kids into people who can function in society. That’s the job. There’s no single right way to do it.
Every kid is different. Every family is different. Every day, you’ll make mistakes and small miracles in equal measure. And some days, success just means nobody cried in the car.
So yeah—take advice with a grain of salt. Or a salt rim, which leads me to…
“The Expert Opinion”
(Pairs perfectly with judgmental glances and parenting podcasts you’ll never listen to)
Ingredients:
1½ oz rye whiskey
¾ oz ginger liqueur
½ oz lemon juice
¼ oz honey syrup (equal parts honey + hot water)
Dash of cayenne (for extra chaos, optional but encouraged)
Instructions:
Shake like you’re trying to erase someone’s unsolicited advice from your brain.
Strain over ice in a rocks glass.
Garnish with a lemon wheel and the resolve to trust your own damn instincts.
Tastes like:
Boundaries, backbone, and the sweet sting of ignoring Becky from the mom group.
Final Thoughts:
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present.
You’re not raising robots. You’re raising real, complicated, glorious little humans. And if they grow up happy, healthy, and mostly sane—you crushed it.
Keep showing up. Keep laughing. And maybe keep the bourbon stocked.
Your teenager washed down their rage and sarcasm with a cold drink of Spite.
Great stuff - enjoyed this! Especially the “tastes like” bit 😂