How to Train Your Sleepless Dragon
A father’s guide to emotional damage, white noise confusion, and the myth of the 12-hour sleeper.
There’s no manual for parenting, but if there were, Chapter One would be: “Sleep Training—aka the part where everyone cries and nobody wins.”
I know I’ve touched on this before, but we’re going deeper today. Like, dark circles under your eyes, can’t-remember-what-day-it-is, "did I already brush my teeth or was that yesterday?" deeper.
Because this—this right here—might be the most universally shared experience in the Parenting Thunderdome: trying to get tiny, irrational humans to fall asleep and stay asleep. And the worst part? Everyone has an opinion about it. Your mom. Your neighbor. The random woman in the Target checkout line. Even your boss if you accidentally mention your kid once. Suddenly it’s, “Have you tried white noise and goat milk? That’s what worked for our twins.”
Ma’am, your twins are 32. Please stop.
Stage 1: Just Get the Baby to Sleep, Anywhere, Somehow
When they’re newborns, the bar is low. We’re not looking for REM cycles—we’re just hoping they shut their eyes before we do something desperate like rock them in the dryer or take a walk at 2 a.m. in a bathrobe and dad rage.